Dealing with Conflict: the Elephants in the Room

*Not a real life shot

Dealing with conflict is something we all could be better at. No one goes into life knowing how to perfectly handle things that cause tension. In fact, the majority of people would prefer to ignore tension, grit their teeth, and get over it.

Except. That doesn't actually solve anything.

Ignoring problems only strengthens conflict- especially with roommates who you see every single day. The lack of communication doesn't allow the person frustrating you a chance to even rectify the situation. And moreover, it doesn't provide any way to alleviate your feelings. 

Of course, sometimes we take the opposite approach when conflict arises. What's the phrase? Oh yeah... "passive aggressive". You know, that little plan you make in the back of your head that involves dropping hints that we are upset? Cause THAT solves things. (Please note the sarcasm dripping from the text.)

But one thing I have learned from living with four other people is that a lot of times, roommates are passive aggressive because they don't want to create conflict. Few people actually *want* to fight. So instead of confronting you, they try to give you clues that they don't like what you're doing. The only issue is, this can make a home situation very awkward.

You can imagine the type of comment that is made…

It usually goes something like: "Hey, did you cook last night?" 

*Pointed look at the sink full of dirty pots and pans* 

The problem is, this approach makes the other person feel embarrassed. It isn't gracious. It can also be aggravating, because your roommate isn't being direct about being upset. They’re very nearly pretending not to be. I've tried to approach problems being silent, or passive aggressive. Believe me, I'm trying to spare you the pain. So here are three little tips for dealing with conflict directly:

1. Take A Moment

Don't jump on the person that moment they upset you. Give it a few minutes, cool off, and think about the words you actually want to use to explain how you’re feeling. 

2. Be Straight Up

Fight the urge to water things down, or to blow them out of proportion. Be blunt, but simple. Don't draw out a huge complaint. People handle confrontation better when it is honest, yet unexaggerated.

3. Let Go of the “Offense List”

If you've confronted a problem, and the other person has apologized, it's unfair to pocket the offense in the back of your mind to pull out later in a different circumstance. If you’re asking a roommate to stop leaving hair in the shower drain, you don’t need to remind them how much you hated it when they left trash can full last weekend.

Dealing with conflict isn’t comfortable. But refusing to deal with it only creates unspoken tension. No elephants in the room, please. The square footage of a city apartment reeeeeally doesn’t allow for that.

Appreciate People

What does it mean to actually see the best in someone else? It's definitely something you have to do intentionally.  

It isn't ignoring a person's failures or drawbacks. That's not healthy for any kind of relationship. Let's be real people- we all screw up. No point in expecting otherwise from the people around us, or even ourselves. But choosing how we view people has a significant impact on the health of your roommate relationships. 

It's really a three fold process:

I. Look for what you admire 

The very large majority of people you meet will have some sort of good character traits and qualities. It's important to pick out something in them that you respect, early on in the friendship. It makes it easier to accept the things about them that you don't like about them so much. 

II. Remember that differences are strengths 

This is huge. Seriously. If everyone was the same as me, no one would pass Economics class. So we definitely don't want that. Just because we don't relate to a personality on an individual level doesn't mean we can't see the value of that personality. I'm not laid back, but boy oh boy am I glad that there are people who are! 

III. Uplift and Encourage

Let people know you value them. Simple as that. If your roommate makes time to have a movie night with you, thank her. If he takes the trash out on his way to work, tell him you appreciate it. It keeps the apartment vibe uplifting and it creates opportunity for dialogue during the conflicts.

Not Yours? Then Don't Touch.

I had to learn the hard way how important it was to ask before borrowing. I remember one time I took a movie from our shelf to watch. I didn't think anything of it- it was just a DVD, and I knew I'd put it back when the movie was over. 

Not quite. 

The movie belonged to my roommate. It wasn't mine. In the moment, I didn't mean to be inconsiderate. But the thing was- I had forgotten to take the movie out of my laptop when it was over. The next day my roommate was looking for it, and got nervous because she couldn't find it. She texted me asking if I'd seen it and I told her what happened. She was pretty upset. My initial reaction was to be like, "Hey, it's just a DVD. I'm sorry. I didn't know." But it turns out the movie was actually a gift from her father. It had a lot of sentimental value. 

I had to go back and apologize. Not because the movie was broken, but because I had assumed it was fine I borrow it. I wasn't considerate of my roommate's possessions, and that wasn't ok. Imagine how bad I would have felt HAD something happened to the movie. 

So just a tip from someone who's messed this up. If it's not yours- don't touch. Or at the least, ask first. You'll avoid unnecessary confrontation and you'll be glad to have permission later. 

Pet Peeves are Clues

So. Pet peeves. 

We all have them. Don't pretend you don't. And sometimes they can be really frustrating to deal with. Someone else's pet peeves may seem insanely picky, because they aren't things that bother you. 

Like, who cares if the cups are upside down in the cupboard, am I right? Or what does it matter if I sing in the shower? And the dishes? I mean, as long as they get done, is it really a problem if it takes a whole day?

Well, actually, it matters a lot. When you're living with roommates, you are sharing a living space. That makes the environment just as much their home as yours. And respecting that space is important. Think of something that drives you absolutely crazy. Got it? Now imagine if someone who is with you every day, does that very thing. Some of you may not have to imagine too hard...

When your roommate expresses a pet peeve to you, it is usually them trying to communicate what they need in their home life. It's not a bad thing. So don't get frustrated when your roommate is just being honest with you about what bugs them. Besides, its a good practice to listen and show concern for the people around you. And on the flip side, don't be afraid to be honest with your roommates about what bothers you, too! 

It's the little things that count, people. Sometimes the best way to communicate kindness and consideration, is by simply not leaving a giant glob of Crest Toothpaste chillin' in the sink. 

Pre-gaming Roommate Style: 5 ways to set up healthy roommate relationships

I grew up in a quaint little town in the middle of Missouri. Farmland and all. Now I'm 21 and I've been living in New York City for two years. When people from back home hear that, sometimes they envision a life of sight seeing, fun shopping, and incredible food. Which… isn’t entirely accurate. Don't get me wrong, I adore New York! But this place is expensive. The fact is, in order to stick around, I live in a 650 Sq. ft. apartment with four other people. I know- you just groaned internally. But learning to work with different personalities is an important skill. What better way to hone that skill than to live under the same roof with four very different people?

Roommates are a big deal. Even bigger than dollar pizza. If you don't get along with your roommates, you're going to have a hard time enjoying your home environment. We'll get more specific later, but here are some more general rules to get you warmed up...

1. Meet Before You Move

When you're looking for a new place and you're on a time crunch, it's tempting to just take the first offer that comes along. But its actually better to visit your future home, and if possible, meet the people you'll be living with before signing any deals. Going in blind can create misconceptions and expectations that may not be met. Ask yourself: Can I see myself sitting in this room? Does it feel comfortable? It is ok to vet the people you'll be living with. Interact with them and see what they're like. They'll appreciate it just as much as you later on.

2. Pet Peeves are Clues

Getting a new roommate is like starting a relationship- you gotta know what they love and what they hate. Ask your new roomie if they have any pet peeves early on. It's better to know that they hate it when people don't empty the dishwasher, then to come home from work and meet a ticked off roommate.

3. Not yours? Then don't touch.

I've had to apologize for this one. Just because you need to use something, and your roommate has it, doesn't mean its there for you to grab. Ladies, if you are just dying to use a red nail polish cause it matches your dress, ask first. Men, don't assume you can siphon toothpaste off the guys just cause you've been too busy watching House of Cards to hit up Duane Reade for a new tube.

4. Compromise + Consideration

Just accept the fact now that not everyone is like you. This is actually ok! You and the people you live with are gonna have different interests, concerns, routines, hobbies, etc. If your roommate is a late sleeper, and you like getting up early, just be considerate. Don't go around banging pots and pans, or throwing clothes around your room at 6am. And if you are the one who snoozes until noon, don't expect the apartment to be totally silent until you've had your beauty sleep. Express your needs, but don't always expect perfect accommodation.

5. Appreciate People

Odds are, you'll argue with your roommates at some point. But it is also likely that you'll find you like a lot of things about them. Nearly everyone has some pretty fantastic qualities, and if you choose to focus on those things, you'll find your attitude toward other people is positive and encouraging. That's the kind of space you want to create for all parties involved.