Dealing with Conflict: the Elephants in the Room

*Not a real life shot

Dealing with conflict is something we all could be better at. No one goes into life knowing how to perfectly handle things that cause tension. In fact, the majority of people would prefer to ignore tension, grit their teeth, and get over it.

Except. That doesn't actually solve anything.

Ignoring problems only strengthens conflict- especially with roommates who you see every single day. The lack of communication doesn't allow the person frustrating you a chance to even rectify the situation. And moreover, it doesn't provide any way to alleviate your feelings. 

Of course, sometimes we take the opposite approach when conflict arises. What's the phrase? Oh yeah... "passive aggressive". You know, that little plan you make in the back of your head that involves dropping hints that we are upset? Cause THAT solves things. (Please note the sarcasm dripping from the text.)

But one thing I have learned from living with four other people is that a lot of times, roommates are passive aggressive because they don't want to create conflict. Few people actually *want* to fight. So instead of confronting you, they try to give you clues that they don't like what you're doing. The only issue is, this can make a home situation very awkward.

You can imagine the type of comment that is made…

It usually goes something like: "Hey, did you cook last night?" 

*Pointed look at the sink full of dirty pots and pans* 

The problem is, this approach makes the other person feel embarrassed. It isn't gracious. It can also be aggravating, because your roommate isn't being direct about being upset. They’re very nearly pretending not to be. I've tried to approach problems being silent, or passive aggressive. Believe me, I'm trying to spare you the pain. So here are three little tips for dealing with conflict directly:

1. Take A Moment

Don't jump on the person that moment they upset you. Give it a few minutes, cool off, and think about the words you actually want to use to explain how you’re feeling. 

2. Be Straight Up

Fight the urge to water things down, or to blow them out of proportion. Be blunt, but simple. Don't draw out a huge complaint. People handle confrontation better when it is honest, yet unexaggerated.

3. Let Go of the “Offense List”

If you've confronted a problem, and the other person has apologized, it's unfair to pocket the offense in the back of your mind to pull out later in a different circumstance. If you’re asking a roommate to stop leaving hair in the shower drain, you don’t need to remind them how much you hated it when they left trash can full last weekend.

Dealing with conflict isn’t comfortable. But refusing to deal with it only creates unspoken tension. No elephants in the room, please. The square footage of a city apartment reeeeeally doesn’t allow for that.